Toys make kids happy. Adults, too. Most of the time, that is harmless fun. But, every now and then, I look back and wonder: Who approved some of this stuff?
Take Lawn Darts. Please. Marketed as a friendly backyard game in the 1980s, Lawn Darts — also known as Jarts — were basically 12-inch metal spikes you tossed through the air while aiming somewhere in the general vicinity of other humans. Think horseshoes but with the added thrill of potential emergency room visits. Between 1980 and 1988, more than 6,100 injuries were reported in the U.S., many involving children. In 1988, the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission finally stepped in and said, in effect, “Maybe let’s not.”
Then there was Mattel’s Thingmaker, better known as Creepy Crawlers. Kids poured a chemical called Plasti-Goop into bug-shaped metal molds and baked it at 390 degrees in what was essentially a toy oven. That’s right — a toy. For children. That reached 390 degrees. Nothing says “fun afternoon” like a third-degree burn shaped like a centipede. Regulators eventually caught up, and, by 1973, new safety rules targeted heat-based toys, probably after someone noticed kids were, in fact, cooking themselves along with the plastic bugs.
Not to be outdone, Mattel also gave us Incredible Edibles — which were like Creepy Crawlers, except you ate the results. Pour goo into hot metal molds, bake it, and — voilà — you had candy shaped like worms and insects. Because, if there is one thing missing from childhood, it is the opportunity to both burn yourself and then eat the evidence. Despite warnings for parental supervision, kids kept getting burned. Lawsuits loomed. The product disappeared. Shocking.
Then came Super Elastic Bubble Plastic from Wham-O. This gem involved squeezing out a blob of chemical goo and inflating it with a straw into a plastic bubble. Simple enough — until you realized the goo contained chemicals like acetone and gave off fumes you were inhaling through that same straw. On the bright side, you got a bubble. On the downside, you may have briefly left the planet. I can still remember the smell. My brain cells probably can’t.
I never owned a Wrist Rocket Slingshot, but I sure wanted one. These were not your average slingshots. They had a wrist brace that let you launch projectiles with impressive force and questionable judgment. Accuracy was optional. Velocity was not. You didn’t want to be the target. Or standing near the target. Or, ideally, anywhere in the same zip code.
And let’s not forget the metal roller skates that clamped onto your shoes. Mine had all the stability of a folding chair in a windstorm. You couldn’t go very fast, which was good, because they tended to detach mid-roll and introduce your face to the pavement. Good times. Character building. And, sometimes, resulting in dental work.
Looking back, it is amazing any of us made it through childhood with all our limbs — and a reasonable number of functioning brain cells. If you remember another toy that now makes you wonder how it ever cleared a safety review — or a basic common-sense test — send it my way.
Have a watchful Wednesday, and thank you for reading.
Shane Goodman
Publisher
Big Green Umbrella Media
shane@dmcityview.com
515-953-4822, ext. 305
www.thedailyumbrella.com
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