You can tell a lot about people by the type of bread they eat. Don’t eat bread at all? Well, you are the subject of an entirely separate column, but today we will focus on those of us who enjoy this fresh, soft, fluffy, crusty, nutty, spongy and hearty food.
First, an admission. My mother served bread at every meal. Bread and butter, to be specific. It didn’t matter what we were eating; it was served with bread and butter. The type of bread? It was most often plain white bread when we were younger and then some type of wheat bread in the later years. The honest answer is, whatever was on sale that week.
So what does the bread you choose to eat say about you?
If you are eating white bread, you are likely younger and quite boring. You prefer your flavor from jams, jellies, honey or other toppings. And nobody blames you for that.
If you eat wheat bread, you are trying to be healthier but you are still not willing to give up ice cream or beer.
Prefer a wrap? You are clearly anal retentive, as you don’t want to risk anything falling out of your sandwich. Or you are very private and don’t want others to see what you are eating. Either way, you are not going to win any congeniality contests.
Are you a banana bread eater? Then you are a procrastinator. Yes, you are one of those folks who buy too many bananas and can’t eat them all before they turn brown. And what do you do with brown bananas? You make banana bread.
If cornbread is your bread of choice, you are gassy and talk with a southern drawl. Why gassy? Well, any cornbread lover knows it pairs well with chili. Why a southern drawl? Because you are gassy.
Maybe bagels are your preferred bread. If so, you were likely offended by the battery of Pollock jokes you heard in elementary school. Or you really like cream cheese. Or gluten. Or all three.
Reubens may have been the last name of the actor who played Pee Wee Herman, but they are also a delicious sandwich. Corned beef. Swiss cheese. Sauerkraut. Thousand Island dressing. Mmm, mmm. And you can’t have a Reuben without rye bread. Did you know that rye bread can come light, medium, or dark, depending on which part of the rye berry is used to make the flour?
Did you also know that, if you eat rye bread with anything else, you are just weird?
Pumpernickel is more fun to say than to eat. If you make pumpernickel bread, you are clearly a patient person, as recipes call for baking it at a low temperature for as long as 24 hours.
Alternatively, you could produce pumpernickel’s dark hue by adding molasses or coffee, but that would be cheating. So you are either very patient or a cheater. Take your pick.
Of course, many other types of breads and personalities exist. Which ones did I miss? Shoot me a note and let me know.
Have a magnificent Monday, and thanks for reading.
Shane Goodman
President and Publisher
Big Green Umbrella Media
shane@dmcityview.com
515-953-4822, ext. 305
www.thedailyumbrella.com
View Shane Goodman's archived columns from past issues here. | 
